Thank you, Jesus, for calling me into youth ministry.

When I went through the vague cloud of wandering earlier this year, I was doubtful I could make it out. Not that I would die or anything, just that I might be much more stuck than I had ever imagined I was. That’s not to say I’m completely healed, right? No. Certainly not. I am only on the brink of what is to come, a beautiful cusp of hope that envelopes me. I haven’t used words like that in a long time – hope, beautiful, healed… they were but a distant dream – something unattainable. It is dreadful, what hopelessness can do to you.

You would think me very morose in my tone – except if you had known me three months ago. This would seem as though I were making light of my situation – like a faun leaping out of excitement of the natural occurrence of snow. I am merely the result of grace, and I know that fully now having walked through and nearly perished from the valley of the shadow of death. But the light has shone on me in the strangest of places. Areas I thought were controlled, dealt with, were suffocating me. And oh the grief, the anger, the disgust I journeyed through. And now the light – my burdens unloaded before the throne. They call it revelation – when you finally meet God where he’s been bringing you all this time. It’s happened a couple times – 3 times during the week of Integrity worship seminar with Paul Baloche, Kathryn Scott and Brian Doerksen, two days ago, today.

You know how I know it’s real? You know how I know I’m on the right path? I’m happy. I know that’s no logical argument for determining God’s plan for your life – but I’m convinced he wants me happy – not happy because I’ve gotten everything I’ve wanted – or anything for that matter. No, I’m convinced more than ever that he loves me and wants the “good” for me. Simply “for me”.

I understand now a little more that my parents are not like God completely. They didn’t necessarily highlight the “love” parts of God that I would have hoped. But I know they love me. Just because they’re not like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son – I know they love me with their whole hearts – evidenced by the events of my life – by their constant and consistent pursuit of giving good gifts.

I also know I’m on the right path because it seems that I had been harboring guilt and anger and bitterness against some people. And at the mention of all their names – I would inwardly cringe – and now there is nothing. You know why? It was something a mentor said to me – about my need for pleasing others. I constantly need other people’s approval so I will constantly being doing things that make them happy.

As a result, I became a person without a personality. I loved what they loved and hated what they hated. I sought their attention and their love by becoming a clone of them – giving part of myself away. When they “deserted” me, I lost myself – my control dissipated and I began to loath them and myself.

Strange how co-dependency works. You feel so addicted to another person that they become your whole world. And you think you’re so normal but your not. It’s why they can continue on with their lives not bothered that you are in this agony. And it’s really my fault – because I didn’t understand how relationships work. That I could maintain my own personality without sacrificing independence and friendship. They can coexist.

And that was the signal for me that I was now finally seeing the light. Lately I’ve been in this weird place – actually a friend and I have been – where we hang out too much. We see each other too much and now we don’t know how far across the boundary we can go without hurting the other’s feelings. But as I’ve been reading the situation – and as I’ve been reacting to everything, I find that I am no longer in high school. I have the ability to dismantle immediately what is going on – I can feel the tension, I can see the irritation more quickly – and I can yet stay unaffected – still love and be a good friend, quickly forgive the offense in the same moment.

That in itself is a measure of growth for me. I now see that I am not the insecure 8th grader anymore. I am accepting what is true about myself, I am seeing what others really see about me, and I am accepting the truth that God has spoken over my life. Not just merely saying I do. And I have been blessed, yes, truly blessed once more with the opportunity for another relationship which I am determined to be better. I can acknowledge that it is going to be like many of my past relationships where I immediately get along with this person – we click somewhat. It’s been a very long time since that has happened for me. In fact, I started to think I was losing my mind and had made it all up – but this is real. There are people who will get me – and will understand me and will help me not feel so alone all the time. Man, God is good. He is good and his love endures forever.

So for now – I’m trying to be content with the situation I’m in – and not be resentful that God has not provided for a husband yet. I’m trying to stay in the moment – and not fantasize about what I want my life to look like. NO. I’m living my life the way I want to right now. No daydreams. Just pure guts to live the right life now and not waste it wishing I were.

Thanks for reading this long, just had to get this out in the open, as if to close this chapter of my life – the dull fading I was in, and to shed light on the fact that whatever you and I go through, it is never ever for nothing. God is teaching us something – sometimes not very obvious but always good and true. It is all worth the pain and sorrow we sometimes need to endure to grieve and bury ourselves so we may finally truly see. So we might live, if possible, better.

Original post: http://the-biography-of-thought.blogspot.com/2010/11/worth-it.html

My heart is heavy tonight. My sin is ever before me. I understand what David was trying to say, what Paul was hinting at in his “thorn in the flesh,” and why Isaiah needed coals put on his lips. The black hole of my spirit weighs me down inch by inch. How can I explain what death is like in a few words? It is the complete and utter understanding of exactly what I am, what you are. It is like an adulterer facing his or her spouse after 10 years of unfaithfulness with the truth. It is a woman admitting she has lived a lie in her career and her faith because she sought approval. It is someone who realizes their failure at stewarding gifts, blessings, opportunities – having traded them all in for some worthless piece of crap or buried them in their backyard. It is someone who squanders their kid’s college fund to bet on a losing horse. It is a sinner who understands exactly how black the canvas is, how far removed and how opposed to God he is. It is also that same sinner embracing the cross to sacrifice his flesh in exchange for the hope of redemption. It is a horrific reality of what we are which is often in opposition to what we want people to think we are. It is not something easily taught in Sunday school, yet everyone knows exactly what it is – it stares brazenly back through the mirror as we brush our teeth.

Whether because of lack of instruction, mentoring, or that I was too proud to grasp it, I misunderstand salvation, that the full message could ever apply to me. Yes, this is the sin in pride – to believe that you are above the law, the truth, even God himself, to justify every wrong motive and behavior with a glossed-over facade, proving to no one what you want them to see. To put yourself above God and then to go and justify yourself to answer to no authority.

It is this harsh reality that is hitting me at this moment, as I bear my soul to the Lord, who in his patient omniscience has known the truth all along. In fact, he knew it way before he even made us. This kind of reality isn’t as cut and dry as we’d like, so that we can neatly lay it out in a track or a pamphlet. We don’t talk about it anywhere, we can’t bear to see the darkness or shed light on it. We can only hint at the wretchedness of a man by the overflow of his actions, but to capture his actual heart? Why that is a totally different matter.

I have been stymied by the story of the Pharaoh of Egypt, who in denying the freedom of his Israelite slaves was responsible for the death of his own first born son. When it said that God had “hardened his heart” I didn’t like God very much for that. How then could the Pharaoh have anything called “free will?” How could have made a choice if it wasn’t his fault his heart was hard? I blamed God for that. You can’t say stuff like that in Sunday school (or now) without some serious scoffing. I internalized it and slowly added to my mental bookshelf of personal theology. I started to think that all powerful God was in heaven playing with human lives like a puppet show. He didn’t really need us. How was Pharaoh still to blame. Why was God still getting angry at him? Why did he kill all those first born sons of Egypt? (Error1: Questioning God’s motives for anything)

I think Pharaoh was just like the rest of us. He was going about his business and running the country. He probably thought slaves where a commodity for his great pyramid projects and whatnot. So why would he give them up? Well, first of all Moses had a cool staff that turned into a snake without sorcerers and evil magic. Moses performed miracles with that staff. Moses was raised by the Pharaoh’s household! So maybe there was some pride? Well what does pride look like? Is it a one time occurrence? Is it like when you cuss that bad word once and never again or is it like a weed that lives deep down under the soil, with the seeds you are trying to bear? I think pride is like all other sins that always exist and never cease to exist because sin in it’s very nature lives in the flesh of a man. Adultery: does it happen in one instance by happenstance? Someone is walking down the street, sees a random person, sleeps with them, and then again, and again… puts on their clothes, drives home, kisses their kids and then their spouse and lays in bed as if nothing happened? When God picked the word “Sin”, he picked the perfect word – the perfect concept. It wasn’t all the actions in which sin manifests that He came to obliterate. He came to redeem us from something that enslaves us. You cannot be partially enslaved. You are either enslaved or you are not. We are enslaved if even a little bit. Addiction, Pride, Envy, Jealousy, Anger, Adultery, Lying, Stealing, Cheating, Dishonoring/Disobedience, etc. Need I say more on that note?

I think that every time Moses came back to Pharaoh (10 times total/10 plagues), whatever it was in Pharaoh that he refused to yield his life and his ways to some “higher power” (GOD!), it became harder and harder, and also less likely, to allow the Israelites freedom! Isn’t that what we face? Every time we fill our longings with cheap thrills, we start preaching a half-truth to our peers and our friends to justify our need or appreciation for whatever it is that enslaves us. Thus we can either have God or not have him, we cannot be friends with the world and with God at the same time. We are offered a decision, a separate path to walk, apart from what we were. We have to live a different kind of life that is not based on worldly understanding or wisdom, but the knowledge and wisdom of the Word.

A strange thing happens when you haven’t talked to God in a while. You start turning to these other things to fill the immediate physical, sexual, emotional needs – alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, food, tv, self-image, shallow relationships – all to feel a little bit better about not needing God after all. In your mind, you begin to think like you’re 5 years old again: “I don’t need training wheels, Daddy! I can do it! Take them off! I won’t fall!” We tell God, without really vocalizing it, that we are ready to take on the world. We’ve got our spiritual quotes and maxims tattooed on our cars, shirts and bodies, but internally, we are after our own crowns and our own glory.

If you were like me, you were foolish. The second after the training wheels came off the bike for the first time, I picked the biggest hill at the top of our property. I picked the worst sidewalk (large varied stoned concrete, with a deep enough hole near the ending that could hold a bowl of soup), and I made the first ride when I thought my Dad wasn’t watching. Why do we think our parents don’t anticipate our idiocy and ridiculous antics? Somehow, when we’re young, we think our arguments can “trick” our parents into giving us what we want. Truly they see the error and if they are brave enough, will let you try out your theory to your own demise. We somehow think we can win them over to our reasoning or in fact that we can hide what they already know we are doing. The first day without training wheels can now be remembered as the day I lost my two front teeth. I ate concrete literally.

God sees EVERYTHING. He knows EVERYTHING. He KNOWS everything. Somehow we missed GOD 101. We think we can live without him knowing what we’re doing: PRIDE. That’s why pride is the absolute worst because it doesn’t even give God the benefit of a doubt that he might be listening to our gossip or watching us cheat on our husbands or pretending to love him when He hasn’t heard from us in weeks. No one wants to talk about the true heart of a man but we are ready to throw stones at anyone who even acknowledges his sin. Maybe because we ourselves don’t want to be exposed. We don’t want to be identified and we don’t want disturb sin’s comfortable seat in us, which might cause us to finally face what is terribly wrong!

We’ve solved a huge problem in churches: sinful behavior. We punish it, some of them are in our judicial systems. We say murder is wrong and we say perjury is wrong, but we don’t say that unforgiveness is equally wrong, as well as disobeying our parents. There is something more wrong than punishing behaviors: we need to address our sinful thinking. I have missed the point in all 23 years of teen conventions, youth retreats, church services and rallies, mission trips and worship teams. I am so utterly disgusted and disappointed in my situation, in ME. I am so angry at my brokenness I can barely speak. Because at some point this week I thought, if even briefly, that nothing has changed my mind – not a good sermon, not a convincing speaker, not a deeply written song, not even the words of GOD himself! For heaven’s sake! What then can change me? What can I do? Where can I go if even God cannot remove from my chest this awful black stain?

I understand why people attempt suicide or even entertain the idea. It’s not only because they are hurting and want to end their lives, to take some control over what’s going on – but they feel like they’ve tried everything, and the only thing that will definitely work is death. “The wage of sin is death.” Ironic? I think not. I know now, more than ever before, what death feels like. It isn’t the way in which someone dies that defines it. It is the end of life, of productivity, of breathing, of control, of free will, the ability to choose. We are given the ability to choose every minute we are allowed to breathe. We are stewards of the time we have. We are stewards of the chance to be redeemed. We give over control to a whimsical spirit and allow our flesh to dictate what we do or when we do something. If we let our emotions “accept” the gift of salvation, won’t we just as easily trample the gift by continuing in our sin? Again, that old friend pride is our worst enemy. We do not do what we want to do (Romans 7). Without Jesus we would most definitely die in ALL ways – physically, emotionally, eternally. However the immediate death I speak of is one in which you live in opposition to what God has designed you to be. It’s the worst feeling to go against God – to live on the other side of the fence from him, and to know full-well that you chose your side, you chose death.

You must now listen very careful to what I’m about to say. I have never believed the message of the Gospel as much as I do at this very moment. To be honest, that’s not saying much considering what I’ve previously revealed about my faith journey. I believe that Christ came for the WORST sinners (which is weird to say seeing we are all the same) but there are some who acknowledge and know themselves to be in this low position. For these Christ has purposed in his heart to save. He came for those who were sick, not well – not those who felt like they didn’t need a savior! He did not come for the proud me, who would not recognize him as savior. He came for the person who writhed on the floor tonight in pain after having seen my pitiable and wretched state and repented for what she was, who I am.

God doesn’t force any man into repentance, it is our choice to accept what we are and put it all to death so that we could receive a different life.

I have wanted to removed the black stain all by myself for some time now. I wanted to come across as someone who had it all together, so people would like me. Alas! There it is: The admission that I do everything with evil intent. Is selfishness evil? Is the desire for man’s approval and self-glory evil? Absolutely, I believe it. I believe I have dug my own grave – even while professing to be saved from that sort of ending. However, I do not believe I had really been saved – and not because I am going through a spiritual battle right now. Rather, I knew there would be some sort of breakthrough by having this discussion in the first place. I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel but I couldn’t find the strength to open the door. And now it lies open on the other side, now having walked through.

You could see how I wouldn’t want to get into this with God right? In fact, God doesn’t even need to speak out loud, for he has already spoken and provided all we need for “holy living” in his Word. Huh.

Have you ever avoided talking to a friend about something you did wrong? Or even a misunderstanding or fight you’ve had? I’ve been avoiding this forever! Like all my life! Who wants to admit their whole life has been wrapped around themselves? I think I have been protected from much of this my life – for this very moment of repentance. Real repentance. Real repentance comes only when you understand fully the sin nature – and not in general. I had to see it all very raw before me. I had to face it. I had to. The confusion and the chaos in my heart was taking me no where.

So what does my heart look like? Well, it was like Pharaohs. Every time I had an opportunity to see the TRUTH about myself, I decided to move the spotlight to the “manageable sins” and keep hidden those things I never wanted anyone to know. It wasn’t so concerned about hiding the sin so much as I wanted to continue in it without reproach. Ha! Reproach!

I have always deluded myself, but this one tops the charts! At 13, at 18, and 22 I never grasped the reality of my own condition. Somehow, God has revealed a truth: I am not living this life to the fullest and therefore am unfit and unworthy to even have this life at all (parable of talents). I have been an unfit steward from day one: with money, my body (health, purity, and appearance), time, education, work, relationships, talents). People can say whatever they want about what they think I am doing or not doing – they can acclaim and praise, but I know and God knows how bad I’ve slacked. That is all the judgment I need or can bear.

I thought I could continue on in my sin while professing to be without sin! I am not the first, I realize, as billions of people have lived over the past 7,000 years or so of Earth’s life. Each opportunity to examine my life chiseled at my heart, making it hard and calloused, until one day, like today, the ramifications of my choices were undeniable.

I realize now that I have unleashed a beast, the beast. He has found mercy to shed light on a dark spot and it trembles. The darkness must now release me from it’s grasp for it cannot remain where there is light.

What then is the conclusion? I am utterly sinful. I AM SIN. I am dirty and unclean and unholy and unrighteous. At some point I considered chucking the whole theology, save for one problem. Among all the gifts of the father, the one that consistently kicks in at the right time is that of the Holy Spirit. Even if I wanted to deny God, which in my behavior I have almost completely done, I could not! That would be blasphemy. For there is no denying that God exists! Though I do not understand him, I know he exists and I wholly believe that Jesus came and died for sinners.

The only point at which I struggle is that I am the WORST of sinners and that I NEED a savior. This issue is probably the most important one that stands on the table – which is an issue of faith. It doesn’t take much to believe that God made the world and that he sent his only Son, Jesus. The whole concept of this redemption is just so radical and carefully orchestrated, that you cannot make it up. Tons of people (religious, non-religious) are in uproar over Jesus: He must be a real threat if you’ve got people who don’t even believe in him all upset! Besides seeing these outward expressions, including the testimony of creation, I know it deep down in my soul that Jesus lived and died and rose again. I know it because I know people who believe – whose lives are changed because of it. I also know a handful, no more like a city load of people whose lives aren’t changed, and I think it’s because of what I’m dealing with: pride and faith.

Neither can live while the other survives. A quote from Harry Potter. I wonder if God is funny like that – and uses even the unbeliever to write a truth to permeate cultures. Pride can never exist, in any form, with the understanding that we are saved by grace. Faith cannot grow into what it needs to be if we believe that we could do a better job at running the place. Dark cannot exist where there is light. Truths universally known.

So the ending is clear before me, as clear as day at the end of this lengthy discourse:

1. That the truth had always existed, as Christ says it did.
2. That I was wrong and will probably find other things of which I am guilty.
3. And the solution is irrevocable, irremovable, and unchanging. if it is really accepted by the sinner, by me.

It cleanses the stains of the worst of sinners, for a pure sacrifice is all that could have saved us, not a tainted one. The death of a God was the only the thing that could redeem.
Do I believe now? Do I accept what I am? Do I accept who he is?

How can I leave at this moment, having seen exactly what I am, having understood that there are no other avenues for redemption for all my heart is? How can I not take the Saviors hand and walk with him all the way? I profess that I am now and forever saved by the grace which God gave. I profess Romans 8 as my sole chapter for these arguments, without having previously consulted it. I profess Christ the savior of all, now that I believe he truly died for me, the most wretched.

That I am “saved” is quite the appropriate terminology. For I was dead apart from Christ – I could do nothing. Nothing! I could like I was productive, but inwardly I was turning in my grave. I was rescued from that death – and brought into the light of true Life. Ephesians 2:1-5. I walk in it now. Today.

Romans 8
THANK YOU GOD for SAVING ME!

A glimmer of hope, startling pulse
She ignites the fire of kindling ashes
She makes waves and calms the passionate
She is what we all dream of

You may find her at any moment
The girlie spirit that hides in the shadows
She waits until no one is looking
and smiles, content

She draws no attention yet is the object of wonder
What glow she throws off like a lamp in the field
But Oh, when you see her face you tremble at her look
for beauty shines within her gaze and ignites that flame in you

But at that moment, when my voice had started to fail me and my hands were quite shaky, all I could think about what what I had been thinking for months. That I had been alone for so long. I had been surrounded by tons of people but freaking wonderful? Nothing really. And the war waged on: You don’t have true friends. They don’t really love you and you love too much. You give too much too soon and now you get to hurt. Who’s to say God isn’t like that? How many times has he pulled you into something and left you there to fend for yourself. Where is he now. I know you’re emotional right now, but there’s no chance that someone is going to love you the way you need. It went on until the end of the song, this deliberating in my head. The song transitioned slowly into another favorite of my of late, “Came to My Rescue.” As the lyrics permeated my negativity, the phrase came across…”I called, you answered. And you came to my rescue and I want to be where you are.” And all at once, thoughts which seemed like they took half and hour to move through, occurred in seconds.

I desperately wanted God to be everything, and to fulfill me and restore me. I knew I was broken, I knew I was a mess. I knew I wasn’t an adequate friend to those whom I thought I had shown unconditional love. I knew that I was alone, and afraid, and desperate. I wasn’t sure if God would make me feel better. I had never depended on him like this before. I was about to jump off a cliff, hoping he’d save me. I was going to put forth the question I was afraid he wouldn’t answer. But at the moment I spoke “I called…” I knew that he had answered me from before I had even moved to Australia, before I had decided which college to attend, before I had sinned for the first time, and before I was born. There was not immediate voice or sound or physical event that occurred between the phrases, but I knew it in my soul that all he wanted was for me to trust him. “You answered. And you came to my rescue.”

I realized after this next phrase that it was finished, and the Lord was going to declare something mighty in my life. I knew that I had found the only thing in the world that mattered and would ever matter. And it was because of my circumstances – it was due to all the pain and abandonment and loneliness and [inability to fit in] and sin in my life – that I finally broke down on my knees, unaware of my surroundings. You couldn’t tell me I wasn’t in heaven, praising and thanking my real father for all that he was currently doing in my heart and was about to do. That was the first step of the journey. And it has never been the same since then.

One of the things I dislike about being human (not that there is a flaw in the design) is that we can never fully know anything. Well, let me take that back. There are very certain things we can know, but understanding why and how it works is less clear. Death, Taxes and God are irrefutable assurances in life. And if you accept Jesus as your Savior, then I suppose your new life is just as certain, though unseen.

I have encountered many such turning points – when I chose a college, when I decided on a final major course of study, when I accepted a job, when I found an apartment to rent, when I picked a church to go to, when I bought a car. But when I really look back on all these situations, I was never in charge – it almost always happened because of God and through his work. So what am I complaining about right? Understanding the pattern of how this will work for the rest of my future, however long it may be, is crucial. Won’t God provide for every moment and every need when it arises?

I suppose I do not need to be married, therefore he has not provided that mate yet. I supposed up until this week, I wasn’t really ready to live in reality, so he let me enjoy my fantasy life. He let me dream of ways that I would fall in love, and he let me think simply about life, allowed me to pridefully enjoy my imagined future, knowing fully that he had something else in mind. All of this isn’t revealed in some book of the Bible, but I’m understanding all of this during my waiting with God.

And I haven’t been completely faithful to him either. I confess it. I sin almost every day. I thought I was above my sin, and I realize I am still controlled by it, everywhere I turn. In some cases, I sin in my mind and against my body. At other times, I carry pride in my heart, or haughtiness, or bitterness, anger, frustration, ridicule, judgment, on and on and on. I’m starting to see why I could never have been a good partner in a relationship – probably why I have no friends.

I don’t really give too much of myself. I speak a lot, or I’ll have a revelation or a truth, but nothing about me, because I don’t know how people will take it. And I’m still not okay with that. I want people to like me but as Eddie says, I’m “seclusive” or walled off. How do I get out of this without talking to a Christian counselor? I don’t know. There are so many more issues than just family history and problems. There are some really deep things inside me and I can’t make sense of it. There are longings for something and I can’t figure out why I am still in a rut. So I guess I crying out now coz my shell is cracked and I’m bleeding. I’m dying alone in my sorrow. I don’t know how it can be fixed if it hasn’t been fixed after all the alter calls, and life changes I’ve already made. All this heartache and stubbornness and whatever else you want to call it (mess) makes me want to sit down and hash it out in song, but the words don’t flow like they used to. The melody is always dark and convoluted and still no one can hear the voice.

I suppose it’s the voice of a young girl who was made fun of all her life and hasn’t learned to trust people, or love them, or be free. I just want peace. And Hope. And Love. If it’s so obvious what I really want, why isn’t it easy to attain.

I wanted to share this because it’s the pink elephant in the room and I can’t live like this anymore. God I need you more than ever. Please come through for me. It’s selfish and it’s weak, but you are really all I have, and I suppose all I need.

I understand that you have been struggling lately with concepts that seem to far and wide to grasp. I want to encourage you, in the Spirit of the Lord, in his Holiness, and in his Divine power to rescue you wherever you are.

When you feel hopeless, remember that faith is birthed amidst every circumstance.

When you lack boldness, and courage, and strength, know that trust in Christ, surrender to his promise will lift you up.

When you are tired and weary, submit to the will of God, even when it does not make sense.

When you have walked forever and still have not seen dreams awakened, remember that not all dreams come to fruition in our lifetime.

When you see an opportunity, do not fear, do not run or hide. Embrace every moment and chance to deepen your faith and trust in Christ.

When you hurt, you don’t need to put on a facade, but you need to come broken to God so he can mend you, piece by piece.

When you experience happiness, remember the pains you have suffered and how far you have come.

When you find joy, remember to praise God for all good things and bad – because joy comes through sufferings.

When you think you’ve endured life long enough, remember that the troubles of life are only light and momentary. Fix your eyes on what is unseen and eternal.

Believe that God is the giver of good gifts to his children, that he loves them always, and works out all things for the good of the those who love him and live according to their purpose.

In all things, trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not be comforted by your small understanding. When you make decisions, consider his will, seek him first, and all paths, all things shall be added. But you must seek him first.

Last thing . . .

and if the earth should crumble
and all your foundations fall away
God is never going to leave you
and his love will never fade

Much love from your true sister in Christ Jesus,

Jordanna

I would compare it to writing a sentence. Oftentimes I begin a thought, a deeply profound and inspiring thought, fervently committing the internal voice to the external and eternal source of communication. And in a moment, either by way of interruption, distraction, or the shear intrusion of other thoughts, all is lost and the sentence wanes in intensity and fails to live up to the potential it previously possessed.

Amidst the climate of alteration, weariness and disillusionment, I find the pervasive need for the thoughts that hover in my head to find their way out into the open, even if for a fluttering moment. As any internet author knows, this is not an opportunity at fame or fortune for the number of aspiring authors is quite large. The increasing volume of online writers and editors somehow drowns out some talented voices – to find them, you must sift through the pages and sites until you hear one sound and reasonable voice, one that matches the beliefs and truths you as a reader sustain your life upon.

I will not claim that I am one such writer, one to inspire the masses to anything specific, a rally or political feat, but I am one of the many who do not aspire to gain riches or fame or power. I simply enjoy writing for its own sake, and also as a way to keep a level head. The blank spaces do not always need to be filled, but once in a while you find that a simple phrase in that space, between you and the world reader, can make a difference.

It may not be a huge difference that you see overnight or after a year of writing, but a simple phrase may inspire the next great President or Ambassador. It may save the life of a teenager who is longing to be heard, understood, reconnected with the human population. Your words may save a life from the destruction which is the world. Your words may heal and bind old wounds, and it may just become counsel for you in the situation you are in, to grow you up and make you mature, to make you and change you finally into who God really wants you to be.

This is the reason why I write and why I share. Not to flaunt any talent, which I do not especially possess, but to let you know that a single soul in the world wants what you want, or desires as much as you desire. And that God is a God who takes care of his people, in the good and the bad. The truest testimony of this fact is always proved in time, over the course of history you might say. In any case, I am happy to share with you the failings, trials, temptations, and victories as I start a new life, because I am now ever convinced that the glory and power of God is revealed in all my weakness.

I thank you, too, who have now become tied into this story line, having shared in my failings, to grow now in wisdom, not gained from my own understanding, but that which God chooses to reveal to me in his time. And as time is what continues to segment us from that which we desire most, I aim to patiently wait, wait for the Lord and wait for the Word on what to do next in this journey.

Thank you for your visit, please enjoy.

Your faithful friend and author,
Jordanna Yap

fewer words complete my heart
i need to know you’re there
like an hour glass ticking away

but i steal a glance
and my dreams drift away
and again i’ve lost my way
pull me back to the way we were
pull me out of my cave

a sunset on another day
maybe tomorrow won’t be the same
maybe tomorrow i won’t fight the waves
maybe tomorrow i’ll be home