Worth It

Stillness. No noise or static. Just plain stillness. I have longed for this for so long – this very moment where everything that enters my mind is clearly pictured, perfectly framed, and understood as it passes through. It has taken much too long for me to get here yet just long enough for me to process the process.

When I went through the vague cloud of wandering earlier this year, I was doubtful I could make it out. Not that I would die or anything, just that I might be much more stuck than I had ever imagined I was. That’s not to say I’m completely healed, right? No. Certainly not. I am only on the brink of what is to come, a beautiful cusp of hope that envelopes me. I haven’t used words like that in a long time – hope, beautiful, healed… they were but a distant dream – something unattainable. It is dreadful, what hopelessness can do to you.

You would think me very morose in my tone – except if you had known me three months ago. This would seem as though I were making light of my situation – like a faun leaping out of excitement of the natural occurrence of snow. I am merely the result of grace, and I know that fully now having walked through and nearly perished from the valley of the shadow of death. But the light has shone on me in the strangest of places. Areas I thought were controlled, dealt with, were suffocating me. And oh the grief, the anger, the disgust I journeyed through. And now the light – my burdens unloaded before the throne. They call it revelation – when you finally meet God where he’s been bringing you all this time. It’s happened a couple times – 3 times during the week of Integrity worship seminar with Paul Baloche, Kathryn Scott and Brian Doerksen, two days ago, today.

You know how I know it’s real? You know how I know I’m on the right path? I’m happy. I know that’s no logical argument for determining God’s plan for your life – but I’m convinced he wants me happy – not happy because I’ve gotten everything I’ve wanted – or anything for that matter. No, I’m convinced more than ever that he loves me and wants the “good” for me. Simply “for me”.

I understand now a little more that my parents are not like God completely. They didn’t necessarily highlight the “love” parts of God that I would have hoped. But I know they love me. Just because they’re not like the father in the story of the Prodigal Son – I know they love me with their whole hearts – evidenced by the events of my life – by their constant and consistent pursuit of giving good gifts.

I also know I’m on the right path because it seems that I had been harboring guilt and anger and bitterness against some people. And at the mention of all their names – I would inwardly cringe – and now there is nothing. You know why? It was something a mentor said to me – about my need for pleasing others. I constantly need other people’s approval so I will constantly being doing things that make them happy.

As a result, I became a person without a personality. I loved what they loved and hated what they hated. I sought their attention and their love by becoming a clone of them – giving part of myself away. When they “deserted” me, I lost myself – my control dissipated and I began to loath them and myself.

Strange how co-dependency works. You feel so addicted to another person that they become your whole world. And you think you’re so normal but your not. It’s why they can continue on with their lives not bothered that you are in this agony. And it’s really my fault – because I didn’t understand how relationships work. That I could maintain my own personality without sacrificing independence and friendship. They can coexist.

And that was the signal for me that I was now finally seeing the light. Lately I’ve been in this weird place – actually a friend and I have been – where we hang out too much. We see each other too much and now we don’t know how far across the boundary we can go without hurting the other’s feelings. But as I’ve been reading the situation – and as I’ve been reacting to everything, I find that I am no longer in high school. I have the ability to dismantle immediately what is going on – I can feel the tension, I can see the irritation more quickly – and I can yet stay unaffected – still love and be a good friend, quickly forgive the offense in the same moment.

That in itself is a measure of growth for me. I now see that I am not the insecure 8th grader anymore. I am accepting what is true about myself, I am seeing what others really see about me, and I am accepting the truth that God has spoken over my life. Not just merely saying I do. And I have been blessed, yes, truly blessed once more with the opportunity for another relationship which I am determined to be better. I can acknowledge that it is going to be like many of my past relationships where I immediately get along with this person – we click somewhat. It’s been a very long time since that has happened for me. In fact, I started to think I was losing my mind and had made it all up – but this is real. There are people who will get me – and will understand me and will help me not feel so alone all the time. Man, God is good. He is good and his love endures forever.

So for now – I’m trying to be content with the situation I’m in – and not be resentful that God has not provided for a husband yet. I’m trying to stay in the moment – and not fantasize about what I want my life to look like. NO. I’m living my life the way I want to right now. No daydreams. Just pure guts to live the right life now and not waste it wishing I were.

Thanks for reading this long, just had to get this out in the open, as if to close this chapter of my life – the dull fading I was in, and to shed light on the fact that whatever you and I go through, it is never ever for nothing. God is teaching us something – sometimes not very obvious but always good and true. It is all worth the pain and sorrow we sometimes need to endure to grieve and bury ourselves so we may finally truly see. So we might live, if possible, better.

Original post: http://the-biography-of-thought.blogspot.com/2010/11/worth-it.html