Wretched

*Note: Read with caution and with prayer

My heart is heavy tonight. My sin is ever before me. I understand what David was trying to say, what Paul was hinting at in his “thorn in the flesh,” and why Isaiah needed coals put on his lips. The black hole of my spirit weighs me down inch by inch. How can I explain what death is like in a few words? It is the complete and utter understanding of exactly what I am, what you are. It is like an adulterer facing his or her spouse after 10 years of unfaithfulness with the truth. It is a woman admitting she has lived a lie in her career and her faith because she sought approval. It is someone who realizes their failure at stewarding gifts, blessings, opportunities – having traded them all in for some worthless piece of crap or buried them in their backyard. It is someone who squanders their kid’s college fund to bet on a losing horse. It is a sinner who understands exactly how black the canvas is, how far removed and how opposed to God he is. It is also that same sinner embracing the cross to sacrifice his flesh in exchange for the hope of redemption. It is a horrific reality of what we are which is often in opposition to what we want people to think we are. It is not something easily taught in Sunday school, yet everyone knows exactly what it is – it stares brazenly back through the mirror as we brush our teeth.

Whether because of lack of instruction, mentoring, or that I was too proud to grasp it, I misunderstand salvation, that the full message could ever apply to me. Yes, this is the sin in pride – to believe that you are above the law, the truth, even God himself, to justify every wrong motive and behavior with a glossed-over facade, proving to no one what you want them to see. To put yourself above God and then to go and justify yourself to answer to no authority.

It is this harsh reality that is hitting me at this moment, as I bear my soul to the Lord, who in his patient omniscience has known the truth all along. In fact, he knew it way before he even made us. This kind of reality isn’t as cut and dry as we’d like, so that we can neatly lay it out in a track or a pamphlet. We don’t talk about it anywhere, we can’t bear to see the darkness or shed light on it. We can only hint at the wretchedness of a man by the overflow of his actions, but to capture his actual heart? Why that is a totally different matter.

I have been stymied by the story of the Pharaoh of Egypt, who in denying the freedom of his Israelite slaves was responsible for the death of his own first born son. When it said that God had “hardened his heart” I didn’t like God very much for that. How then could the Pharaoh have anything called “free will?” How could have made a choice if it wasn’t his fault his heart was hard? I blamed God for that. You can’t say stuff like that in Sunday school (or now) without some serious scoffing. I internalized it and slowly added to my mental bookshelf of personal theology. I started to think that all powerful God was in heaven playing with human lives like a puppet show. He didn’t really need us. How was Pharaoh still to blame. Why was God still getting angry at him? Why did he kill all those first born sons of Egypt? (Error1: Questioning God’s motives for anything)

I think Pharaoh was just like the rest of us. He was going about his business and running the country. He probably thought slaves where a commodity for his great pyramid projects and whatnot. So why would he give them up? Well, first of all Moses had a cool staff that turned into a snake without sorcerers and evil magic. Moses performed miracles with that staff. Moses was raised by the Pharaoh’s household! So maybe there was some pride? Well what does pride look like? Is it a one time occurrence? Is it like when you cuss that bad word once and never again or is it like a weed that lives deep down under the soil, with the seeds you are trying to bear? I think pride is like all other sins that always exist and never cease to exist because sin in it’s very nature lives in the flesh of a man. Adultery: does it happen in one instance by happenstance? Someone is walking down the street, sees a random person, sleeps with them, and then again, and again… puts on their clothes, drives home, kisses their kids and then their spouse and lays in bed as if nothing happened? When God picked the word “Sin”, he picked the perfect word – the perfect concept. It wasn’t all the actions in which sin manifests that He came to obliterate. He came to redeem us from something that enslaves us. You cannot be partially enslaved. You are either enslaved or you are not. We are enslaved if even a little bit. Addiction, Pride, Envy, Jealousy, Anger, Adultery, Lying, Stealing, Cheating, Dishonoring/Disobedience, etc. Need I say more on that note?

I think that every time Moses came back to Pharaoh (10 times total/10 plagues), whatever it was in Pharaoh that he refused to yield his life and his ways to some “higher power” (GOD!), it became harder and harder, and also less likely, to allow the Israelites freedom! Isn’t that what we face? Every time we fill our longings with cheap thrills, we start preaching a half-truth to our peers and our friends to justify our need or appreciation for whatever it is that enslaves us. Thus we can either have God or not have him, we cannot be friends with the world and with God at the same time. We are offered a decision, a separate path to walk, apart from what we were. We have to live a different kind of life that is not based on worldly understanding or wisdom, but the knowledge and wisdom of the Word.

A strange thing happens when you haven’t talked to God in a while. You start turning to these other things to fill the immediate physical, sexual, emotional needs – alcohol, drugs, sex, pornography, food, tv, self-image, shallow relationships – all to feel a little bit better about not needing God after all. In your mind, you begin to think like you’re 5 years old again: “I don’t need training wheels, Daddy! I can do it! Take them off! I won’t fall!” We tell God, without really vocalizing it, that we are ready to take on the world. We’ve got our spiritual quotes and maxims tattooed on our cars, shirts and bodies, but internally, we are after our own crowns and our own glory.

If you were like me, you were foolish. The second after the training wheels came off the bike for the first time, I picked the biggest hill at the top of our property. I picked the worst sidewalk (large varied stoned concrete, with a deep enough hole near the ending that could hold a bowl of soup), and I made the first ride when I thought my Dad wasn’t watching. Why do we think our parents don’t anticipate our idiocy and ridiculous antics? Somehow, when we’re young, we think our arguments can “trick” our parents into giving us what we want. Truly they see the error and if they are brave enough, will let you try out your theory to your own demise. We somehow think we can win them over to our reasoning or in fact that we can hide what they already know we are doing. The first day without training wheels can now be remembered as the day I lost my two front teeth. I ate concrete literally.

God sees EVERYTHING. He knows EVERYTHING. He KNOWS everything. Somehow we missed GOD 101. We think we can live without him knowing what we’re doing: PRIDE. That’s why pride is the absolute worst because it doesn’t even give God the benefit of a doubt that he might be listening to our gossip or watching us cheat on our husbands or pretending to love him when He hasn’t heard from us in weeks. No one wants to talk about the true heart of a man but we are ready to throw stones at anyone who even acknowledges his sin. Maybe because we ourselves don’t want to be exposed. We don’t want to be identified and we don’t want disturb sin’s comfortable seat in us, which might cause us to finally face what is terribly wrong!

We’ve solved a huge problem in churches: sinful behavior. We punish it, some of them are in our judicial systems. We say murder is wrong and we say perjury is wrong, but we don’t say that unforgiveness is equally wrong, as well as disobeying our parents. There is something more wrong than punishing behaviors: we need to address our sinful thinking. I have missed the point in all 23 years of teen conventions, youth retreats, church services and rallies, mission trips and worship teams. I am so utterly disgusted and disappointed in my situation, in ME. I am so angry at my brokenness I can barely speak. Because at some point this week I thought, if even briefly, that nothing has changed my mind – not a good sermon, not a convincing speaker, not a deeply written song, not even the words of GOD himself! For heaven’s sake! What then can change me? What can I do? Where can I go if even God cannot remove from my chest this awful black stain?

I understand why people attempt suicide or even entertain the idea. It’s not only because they are hurting and want to end their lives, to take some control over what’s going on – but they feel like they’ve tried everything, and the only thing that will definitely work is death. “The wage of sin is death.” Ironic? I think not. I know now, more than ever before, what death feels like. It isn’t the way in which someone dies that defines it. It is the end of life, of productivity, of breathing, of control, of free will, the ability to choose. We are given the ability to choose every minute we are allowed to breathe. We are stewards of the time we have. We are stewards of the chance to be redeemed. We give over control to a whimsical spirit and allow our flesh to dictate what we do or when we do something. If we let our emotions “accept” the gift of salvation, won’t we just as easily trample the gift by continuing in our sin? Again, that old friend pride is our worst enemy. We do not do what we want to do (Romans 7). Without Jesus we would most definitely die in ALL ways – physically, emotionally, eternally. However the immediate death I speak of is one in which you live in opposition to what God has designed you to be. It’s the worst feeling to go against God – to live on the other side of the fence from him, and to know full-well that you chose your side, you chose death.

You must now listen very careful to what I’m about to say. I have never believed the message of the Gospel as much as I do at this very moment. To be honest, that’s not saying much considering what I’ve previously revealed about my faith journey. I believe that Christ came for the WORST sinners (which is weird to say seeing we are all the same) but there are some who acknowledge and know themselves to be in this low position. For these Christ has purposed in his heart to save. He came for those who were sick, not well – not those who felt like they didn’t need a savior! He did not come for the proud me, who would not recognize him as savior. He came for the person who writhed on the floor tonight in pain after having seen my pitiable and wretched state and repented for what she was, who I am.

God doesn’t force any man into repentance, it is our choice to accept what we are and put it all to death so that we could receive a different life.

I have wanted to removed the black stain all by myself for some time now. I wanted to come across as someone who had it all together, so people would like me. Alas! There it is: The admission that I do everything with evil intent. Is selfishness evil? Is the desire for man’s approval and self-glory evil? Absolutely, I believe it. I believe I have dug my own grave – even while professing to be saved from that sort of ending. However, I do not believe I had really been saved – and not because I am going through a spiritual battle right now. Rather, I knew there would be some sort of breakthrough by having this discussion in the first place. I knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel but I couldn’t find the strength to open the door. And now it lies open on the other side, now having walked through.

You could see how I wouldn’t want to get into this with God right? In fact, God doesn’t even need to speak out loud, for he has already spoken and provided all we need for “holy living” in his Word. Huh.

Have you ever avoided talking to a friend about something you did wrong? Or even a misunderstanding or fight you’ve had? I’ve been avoiding this forever! Like all my life! Who wants to admit their whole life has been wrapped around themselves? I think I have been protected from much of this my life – for this very moment of repentance. Real repentance. Real repentance comes only when you understand fully the sin nature – and not in general. I had to see it all very raw before me. I had to face it. I had to. The confusion and the chaos in my heart was taking me no where.

So what does my heart look like? Well, it was like Pharaohs. Every time I had an opportunity to see the TRUTH about myself, I decided to move the spotlight to the “manageable sins” and keep hidden those things I never wanted anyone to know. It wasn’t so concerned about hiding the sin so much as I wanted to continue in it without reproach. Ha! Reproach!

I have always deluded myself, but this one tops the charts! At 13, at 18, and 22 I never grasped the reality of my own condition. Somehow, God has revealed a truth: I am not living this life to the fullest and therefore am unfit and unworthy to even have this life at all (parable of talents). I have been an unfit steward from day one: with money, my body (health, purity, and appearance), time, education, work, relationships, talents). People can say whatever they want about what they think I am doing or not doing – they can acclaim and praise, but I know and God knows how bad I’ve slacked. That is all the judgment I need or can bear.

I thought I could continue on in my sin while professing to be without sin! I am not the first, I realize, as billions of people have lived over the past 7,000 years or so of Earth’s life. Each opportunity to examine my life chiseled at my heart, making it hard and calloused, until one day, like today, the ramifications of my choices were undeniable.

I realize now that I have unleashed a beast, the beast. He has found mercy to shed light on a dark spot and it trembles. The darkness must now release me from it’s grasp for it cannot remain where there is light.

What then is the conclusion? I am utterly sinful. I AM SIN. I am dirty and unclean and unholy and unrighteous. At some point I considered chucking the whole theology, save for one problem. Among all the gifts of the father, the one that consistently kicks in at the right time is that of the Holy Spirit. Even if I wanted to deny God, which in my behavior I have almost completely done, I could not! That would be blasphemy. For there is no denying that God exists! Though I do not understand him, I know he exists and I wholly believe that Jesus came and died for sinners.

The only point at which I struggle is that I am the WORST of sinners and that I NEED a savior. This issue is probably the most important one that stands on the table – which is an issue of faith. It doesn’t take much to believe that God made the world and that he sent his only Son, Jesus. The whole concept of this redemption is just so radical and carefully orchestrated, that you cannot make it up. Tons of people (religious, non-religious) are in uproar over Jesus: He must be a real threat if you’ve got people who don’t even believe in him all upset! Besides seeing these outward expressions, including the testimony of creation, I know it deep down in my soul that Jesus lived and died and rose again. I know it because I know people who believe – whose lives are changed because of it. I also know a handful, no more like a city load of people whose lives aren’t changed, and I think it’s because of what I’m dealing with: pride and faith.

Neither can live while the other survives. A quote from Harry Potter. I wonder if God is funny like that – and uses even the unbeliever to write a truth to permeate cultures. Pride can never exist, in any form, with the understanding that we are saved by grace. Faith cannot grow into what it needs to be if we believe that we could do a better job at running the place. Dark cannot exist where there is light. Truths universally known.

So the ending is clear before me, as clear as day at the end of this lengthy discourse:

1. That the truth had always existed, as Christ says it did.
2. That I was wrong and will probably find other things of which I am guilty.
3. And the solution is irrevocable, irremovable, and unchanging. if it is really accepted by the sinner, by me.

It cleanses the stains of the worst of sinners, for a pure sacrifice is all that could have saved us, not a tainted one. The death of a God was the only the thing that could redeem.
Do I believe now? Do I accept what I am? Do I accept who he is?

How can I leave at this moment, having seen exactly what I am, having understood that there are no other avenues for redemption for all my heart is? How can I not take the Saviors hand and walk with him all the way? I profess that I am now and forever saved by the grace which God gave. I profess Romans 8 as my sole chapter for these arguments, without having previously consulted it. I profess Christ the savior of all, now that I believe he truly died for me, the most wretched.

That I am “saved” is quite the appropriate terminology. For I was dead apart from Christ – I could do nothing. Nothing! I could like I was productive, but inwardly I was turning in my grave. I was rescued from that death – and brought into the light of true Life. Ephesians 2:1-5. I walk in it now. Today.

Romans 8
THANK YOU GOD for SAVING ME!